What I've Been Doing the Last 5 Years

I haven't seen my therapist in five years, but I think about her almost every day.  I share with others what she shared with me. The rocks in her office I knew the story of. The muscles, lightning, chocolate, a fox. She said it is something I am, something that just is. I can't do anything to change it.

Sometimes I am living in a chasm of disbelief. I don't believe my hair is curly. I don't believe in heaven. I don't believe I should eat bacon for breakfast as one of best things I can do. But I do. My hair isn't curly, but I treat with products for afros.

I always felt it necessary to read into things. Everything happens for a reason. I can get behind that. Like, in a Hallmark way. But then I look for the reason, and it is most likely far from me, as in the reason doesn't care an iota about me. Is there a reason I look for the reason. In the last five years, I have been trying to give that up. I have been trying to give up everything.

My mother has told me that I am beautiful, but she told herself more. My mother's hair is also not curly. But we have very similar hair. Her eyes used to be brown like mine, but now, most days, they are green. Green. Isn't that the color of life. The color that brings it all together? I think my therapist told me that.

I don't know what to think about beauty. I want it. But I also want to not want it. To be insecure at this point in my life feels so archaic, unacademic. To want something brings in shame. Am I alone in this. Feels so. I should have learned myself out of it years ago. I won't even watch tidbits from the debates. I am too impressionable and I am trying to stay away from images that might hurt me.

So, back to the rock. I can see the past. I can see the future sometimes too. I guess that will never change.